Lifted

Raped. Abused. Ashamed. Confused. Alone. Lost. Found. Forgiven. Saved. Free.

Now that I’ve told you about my life in ten words, let me properly introduced myself. My name is Shawntay Alfreda and I am a princess.

For the longest time, I did not know who I was. Sure, I knew my name, my date of birth, my social security number, and I could describe what I looked like.  But I did not know who I was.  I was in an identity crisis and because of it, I made a A LOT of mistakes that nearly cost me my inheritance.

In order to be lifted, you have to be in a place that is lower than where you are being taken.  Depending on how deep down you are you may or may not be able to “lift” yourself.  I was deeply DEEPLY embedded in sin.  I was so far down that all I could see was my sin and I thought that the hole I had dug for myself was where I was supposed to be.  I was often uncomfortable in that place and I often wished myself out but instead of trying to climb up, I dug deeper and tried to get comfortable in my sin.

I drank, I smoked, I had sex without protecting my body or my heart.  I lied, I cheated, I stole precious time and positive memories from my children, family, and friends.  I was a horrible person.  But then one day, a bright light pierced my darkness.  For a moment I was intrigued by it, but I quickly became afraid of it because I was not ready to leave the dark place I had created for myself.  So I ran away from the light by digging myself down even deeper.

After five children, numerous burned bridges, abusive romantic relationships, and a failed marriage; I began to long for the light I had seen before.  I believed that even a sliver of it would help me to see my way out of the home I was so desperate to leave even though I had built it with my own hands.  One day it happened.  A stranger called out to me and when I answered light flooded my darkness.  I could see everything that had been hidden.  Every thought, every ideal, every chain that was connected to my pain and held me bound to the prison I had created with my mind.

I had been saved!  In the moment that a hand reached down into the depths of my sin and pulled me out of it, I realized I had a purpose and a place.  I realized that I was free and that I was loved.  What moved me most of all, is that I had been forgiven.  For all the times I had disrespected my mother, my children, and myself…Forgiven.  For all the times I lied and cheated and tried to destroy the relationships other people had worked so hard to build…Forgiven.  For all the times I cursed, and ignored, and ran away…Forgiven.  I did not understand this forgiveness but I needed it, I felt it, and I believed it was mine.

Being forgiven opened up so many doors.  Doors that I never walked through alone.  Doors that enabled me to extend forgiveness in naturally unforgivable situations.  Doors that would give me the boldness to tell people that they too could be forgiven.

I know that not all of you who read this will understand what I’m saying because there is quite a bit that remains unsaid.  Simply put, I experienced some horrible things early in my life.  I used my horrible experiences as an excuse to be a horrible person.  When my inner voice told me seek God, I tried but I ran away because in a very short time, I felt ashamed.  I found myself in a church with people who looked perfect and I did not believe that with my history, I could ever belong to a place with people who appeared to be so perfect.  So I turned away from God and went back to my old lifestyle and things went from bad to worse.

Abusive relationships, depression, rape, isolation, destitutuion, and estrangement from my family were the things that I turned to.  The things that I was most comfortable with because no matter how much they hurt, they were familiar.  I did horrible things intentionally and non-intentionally and I continued to experience horrible things.  The whole time that inner voice was calling out to me.  When I finally paid attention to it I was in such a mess.  I thought that things would only get worse and I was certain that I would not survive it all but in my desperation, I sought God.

God found me pregnant, homeless, separated from my abusive husband and my children.  He found me vulnerable and exhausted from trying to keep living.  He found me.  Not only that, He lifted me up from the mess I made of my life and the he cleansed me of it all!  By reading the Bible and going to church, I found out what God said about me, about forgiveness, about love, about my value.  What I was most fond of was that I found out that the day I turned away from my sinful ways and began to seek Him, He adopted me into his family.  Because God is the King of kings, I am a Princess.

My sin almost cost me my inheritance.  But God!